Jigo
by Dracostella
Summary: The day Akira became a 9-dan, his father died of a heart attack. Alone, Akira finds himself in a strange new match with Hikaru. (Completed)
1. Chapter 1

Notes: Since I'm new to this fandom, you are probably wondering if this is going to be a shounen-ai story. I'm a yaoi/slash writer, but I have been told that often the relationships in my stories seem to be subtext. Well, just so you know, it's intentional subtext.   
  
Thanks to Sheree and Tari Gwaemir for retro-betaing!  
  
Jigo: a drawn game.   
  
China Soba: The noodle shop by the Go Institute that Hikaru frequently visits. (He saw Kurata there once too)  
  
Jigo by Dracostella  
  
Fuseki: The opening moves of the game where influence and territory outlines are formed.   
  
The day I became a 9-dan, my father died of a heart attack. I wasn't there when he died. I was told later that his last words were for me.   
  
Two weeks after his death, when all the ceremonies had been taken care of, mother moved to Hiroshima to live with her sister, also a widow. She did not explain to me why she decided to leave me, but I understood. It would have been unbearable for her to remain with me.   
  
Left alone in my house, I went to sit by father's go table. Though I have sat here alone often, I noticed for the first time how loudly the water flowed in the garden. And when my first stone cracked the board, I saw that my hand was shaking. By the fourteenth stone, the shaking stopped. Yet no matter how loudly the stones clinked against the board, I could still hear the water in the garden.   
  
When I had finished replaying my last game with father, I retrieved all the pieces and started over again.   
  
I had replayed our game nine times when I heard a noise in the garden. When I looked out, I saw Shindou Hikaru. He had climbed over the wall around our garden, and landed in the pond.   
  
"Um… Sorry about disturbing your koi," he said as he slogged over, leaving wet shoe prints on the pebbled path. "I haven't seen you in a while, and when I rang the bell, no one answ--"  
  
He stopped talking in the middle of a word when he saw the go board.   
  
He had seen our last game. Father had invited him to come and watch.   
  
He looked up from the board and stared at me, then he took off his shoes and socks, and came in without being invited.  
  
He sat down across from me, took the white stones, and continued the replay with me.   
  
Two replays later I realized that I could no longer hear the water.   
  
When I moved to place the first stone down for the beginning of the fourth replay with Shindou, he caught my hand.  
  
"Come and stay with me for a while," he said, the same way he announced his challenges in go. "I don't want you to stay here and starve while your mother is away. That way, when I beat you, you can't blame it on not getting enough food."  
  
"If you are feeding me, then I'll be lucky if I can play a single game. I'll most likely be dying of food poisoning," I replied after a long silence.   
  
"HEY!" Shindou stood up and towered over me, "I have never ever food poisoned anyone! Waya was already sick that time--" Shindou paused and sat down again. "So, you are coming?"  
  
I nodded.   
  
***  
  
I had already retrieved my travel bag from my room, and started to head out of the door when Shindou caught my hand again.   
  
"Is this all you are bringing?"   
  
"What else should I bring?" I opened my bag and held it out to him.  
  
"I… well…" he shifted his weight. "Suit yourself."  
  
We walked in silence to the train station, but when I stood before the ticket machine, I suddenly realized I did not know where he lived.   
  
"Buy a 390 yen ticket," Shindou said when he saw me staring at the machine. "I would have invited you to the study sessions at my apartment, but I didn't think you would come."  
  
"Your neighbors probably would not have appreciated our shouting matches," I said.  
  
Shindou laughed, and scratched the back of his head. "I guess the Go Salon's clients probably don't either."  
  
"Probably not," I said as I passed the train gates in front of him. "Which train are we taking?"  
  
"Platform 2," he said. He ran until he was walking beside me.  
  
***  
  
Shindou's apartment was small and sparse. Only one room, a kitchen, and a bathroom. In the room there were two futons on the ground, placed on opposite sides of the room, and a go table between them.   
  
"I borrowed a futon and some blankets from my mom," Shindou said. "I didn't know if I could get you to come or not, but I wanted to be prepared."  
  
Shindou had anticipated my question… how many games have we played now?   
  
I dropped my bag on the futon with the blue blanket. I had no doubt that the futon with the yellow blanket that has GO in English written across the top belongs to Shindou.   
  
Shindou smiled at me when I looked to him. Then he walked into the kitchen.   
  
"I'm making ramen, what flavor do you want?" Shindou put a pot in the sink and turned on the water.  
  
I didn't know what he was asking, and for a moment I felt oddly disoriented.   
  
"Oh, never mind, all I got is the original flavor ones left." Shindou opened his cabinet and took out two packages of instant ramen. "Not as good as China Soba, but it's still good."  
  
I nodded.   
  
"Touya sensei treated me to ramen once." Shindou placed the pot on the stove and turned on the heat.  
  
Father had not told me.  
  
"He probably didn't tell you 'cause you were playing in that International tournament against the Korean Pros at the time, and he didn't want you to be bothered that you missed him while he was in Japan," Shindou continued. He retrieved a pair of scissors and cut open the packages. "He came with some Chinese Pros to my third match against Kurata-san."  
  
"When you won," I said.   
  
"Yeah, Kurata-san asked for my autograph afterwards." Shindou laughed and put away the scissors. "Touya sensei came up to me and asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him. Did you know that your father used to eat at China Soba too? That place has been around forever."  
  
I shook my head. All the times I ate with father it was at home.   
  
"The owner was so shocked when he saw Touya-sensei." Shindou was not looking at me. He stared intently at the water.  
  
"I thought he was going to talk to me about the game, but he just ate ramen with me."  
  
There were bubbles forming at the bottom of the pot.   
  
"When we finished eating, he suddenly told me that I have almost caught up."  
  
One of the bubbles came to the surface and burst.   
  
"I thought he was talking about you, but then he said he looks forward to the day when I'll give him the same kind of game Sai did."  
  
A few more bubbles rose and disappeared.   
  
"Then he sighed and said that someday, my rival, my only true rival will be you."  
  
The water began to boil.   
  
~TBC 


	2. Chapter 2

Notes: Thanks to Sheree and Amanda for betaing. All mistakes are my own.  
  
Jigo: A drawn game.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Kikashi: A forcing move, usually made outside the main flow of play. Often answered, then ignored; to be used later in the game.   
  
Two days after I moved in with Shindou, I had my first game since father's death with Isumi 6-dan.  
  
As with all the games that Isumi played, a crowd of female fans arrived before I did. Shindou said that Isumi was too handsome for his own good. But it is more than that. I have seen Isumi play since we were both lower dan, and in all this time Isumi has not learned to hide his emotions. All his intensity, all his concentration is always raging on the surface. And it draws spectators into its storm… but it hurts his game, if his opponent is wise enough to watch Isumi's face when they play.  
  
I have never looked at him when we played.  
  
"Touya-san." Isumi nodded at me when I sat down across from him.  
  
"Isumi-san." I nodded back. We sat in silence after that until the beginning of the game was announced.   
  
But by the time he placed his tenth stone, I knew . . . I saw it in the way he moved his hand. I saw it in the way he placed his stones. It did not matter that I did not see his face. I knew anyway.   
  
When I was seven, my mother miscarried, and a week later, father won his third title against Ino-sensei. When I was looking over their kifu, father came over and sat down next to me.   
  
"Do you know why he lost, Akira?" Father asked me.   
  
"He defended his territory here when he should have attacked."  
  
"Yes, that was one of his mistakes." Father smiled, but his face quickly became stern again. "But the real reason he lost was because he is too nice."  
  
"Too nice?"  
  
"It is a fatal flaw in pros." Father sighed and put his hand on my shoulders.  
  
"Did he let you win?"   
  
"No. But all the same, he lost because he felt sorry for me."  
  
Three weeks after Ino-sensei's loss, he retired.   
  
"I resign," Isumi said.   
  
"Already?" a female voice said somewhere near by.   
  
"Shush!"  
  
"But they just started!"  
  
"Shush!"  
  
"Thank you for the game."   
  
"Thank you for the game." Isumi 6-dan will remain 6-dan a while longer.   
  
***  
  
The day after my match with Isumi 6-dan, Shindou looked over our kifu.   
  
"He's too nice, isn't he?" Shindou said. He was eating a piece of toast, and the crumbs scattered across the kifu. "He thinks too much about his opponent when he's playing; otherwise, he wouldn't have lost so quickly."  
  
"Would you have thought about my father's death if you were playing against me in that match?" I asked. We have not played a match against each other since father died.   
  
"No. I wouldn't have remembered anything but the game itself," Shindou used his index finger to pick up the crumbs on the kifu. "It's the only time I can feel like I'm not so alone…" His bangs fell over his eyes, so I could not see them, but I knew…  
  
"Shindou--"  
  
He looked up, smiled widely at me, and said, "The Amateur Go competition is coming up; are you going to go?"   
  
I bit back my words, and accepted the change of topic.   
  
"I have not been invited." They have not invited me to help out since I was a 4-dan.   
  
"Neither have I," came the reply as Shindou started to fold up the kifu, "you know they only invite lower dan because the higher dan are always so busy with title matches and league competitions that week. I go anyways because some of my friends always show up."  
  
The Amateur Competition was marked on our schedules, but I have never thought to go.   
  
"You should go with me. 'Cause, you know, sometimes watching amateur games can be really exciting. You keep on wondering if one of the players is going to make a move that you would make." Shindou's eyes were on me again. "And there are some really unconventional ways of playing, and I always learn a lot."  
  
"You have a match against Ogata-san that day," I said.  
  
"OH! I completely forgot they were on the same date!" Shindou rammed his open palm against his forehead. "And I told Kawai-san I would go! Darn it! He was so excited to be able to make it to the competition this year too!"  
  
"Who is Kawai-san?"   
  
"He's a nice guy I met at a Go Salon! He helped me out when I was studying for the pro exams. He's helped me out since too. And he does this--" Shindou reached out his hand towards my head, but reversed direction mid motion and put his hand on his own head instead and ruffled his hair.   
  
"I'm so busy with competition now I haven't played with him in a long time," Shindou said. "He really wanted a game with me. Do you think Ogata-san will be mad if I rescheduled the game?"  
  
"Of course he will be! He requested the game with you outside of regular competition in between his title matches. It would be unfair of you to ask him to change."  
  
Shindou's shoulders slumped. "Yeah, you are right. It wouldn't be fair to Ogata-san. I just hate to disappoint Kawai-san. He's been very kind to me…"  
  
"I will go and play Kawai-san if you want."  
  
Shindou's eyes widened visibly. "You are not going to come and watch my game with Ogata-san?"   
  
He knew. Of course he knew, how can I be so foolish to think otherwise. I was scheduled to play Ogata for the Honinbou title in a month.   
  
"You can replay the game for me afterwards," I said.  
  
Shindou's mouth fell open at my answer, and I felt dizzy. He does not know me at all. We have been rivals for nearly a decade and he hardly knows me at all outside of go.  
  
"Will you really play Kawai-san at the amateur competition?" The kifu that Shindou had been looking at slipped off the go table. "I mean it would probably help him out a lot. He's not a great player, but he tries very hard… and he--"  
  
"I already said I will--"  
  
"Thank you, Touya-kun." Shindou stood up and bowed to me. He has never bowed to me that way. Not even when he lost a game.  
  
~TBC 


	3. Chapter 3

Notes: Thanks to Sheree for betaing... she is a beta goddess who knows how a person should sound with a toothbrush in their mouth! All bow down to her mightiness! ^__^ Thanks also to Kuonji, for 3 hours of AIM conversation on the stuff that needed to be worked on in this story. 8 years of friendship does get you something!  
  
Jigo: A drawn game.  
  
Udon: Wheat noodles, usually served in soup. Similiar to ramen.   
  
Chapter 3  
  
Nozoki: A peeping move which threatens to cut.   
  
Though Shindou had a go table in his apartment, he never asked me to play him there. We kept our shouting matches at the Go Salon, and the go table between our futons collected dust.   
  
Because we were playing in different leagues, we rarely saw each other during the day except when we went to the Go Salon together.  
  
"Ogata-san lost a game to Kurata-san yesterday," I told Shindou after we had finished yelling at each other over the game we just played.   
  
"Yeah, Amano-san gave me the kifu," Shindou said as he started to put away the black stones. "Ogata-san played well, but Kurata-san played a brilliant match."  
  
"Kurata-san's getting even better than he was before," I said. "He's been improving steadily since he lost the five game series to you."  
  
Shindou chuckled. "Well, nothing motivates you like a loss. Why do you think I keep on playing you?"  
  
"Do you think Ogata-san is still getting better at his game?" It has been a long time since Ogata has lost a game.   
  
"I guess I'll find out when I play him in three days," Shindou said. He closed the lid on the black stones.   
  
"My father was getting better until the day he died," I said, staring at the wooden grooves on the lid. "He was still walking the path towards the Hand of God. Ogata-san is only half my father's age."  
  
"Ogata 10-dan is not Touya Kouyo," Shindou said. "Neither are you," he added after a moment.  
  
I stood up so quickly my hand struck hard against the board and knocked it over.   
  
"What do you mean by that?" my voice rose above the sound of hundreds of stones hitting the ground.   
  
Shindou did not stand up. Instead, he bent down and started to pick up the stones. "Your father had to walk the path to the Hand of God alone."   
  
I stared at the back of Shindou's head as he picked up the stones. His hair is still black, and bleached in the front… the way he always kept his hair.   
  
Taking a deep breath, I kneeled beside him to help him clean up the mess I had made. But before I could retrieve the stones, I had to unfold my fists.   
  
"Want to go home?" he asked when we finally picked up all the pieces.  
  
I nodded.   
  
On the way back, we stopped at 7-11, and Shindou picked up a bag of ice in addition to Oolong tea.   
  
When he saw me looking at the ice, he touched my hand, and I flinched from the pain. "You hit the table pretty hard, the ice will keep from swelling tomorrow."  
  
"I'm sorry," I said after we left the store.   
  
"Yeah, that was pretty stupid," Shindou said. "Next time you knock over the board, I'm making you clean it up by yourself."  
  
"Shindou!"  
  
Shindou laughed.   
  
***  
  
The day of Shindou's match with Ogata and the Amateur Go Competition, I woke up thirty minutes earlier than usual. Darkness was just beginning to lift from the room, but I could already hear Shindou tossing and turning in his bed.  
  
"Are you always like this before matches?" I asked.   
  
"You're awake?" Shindou shot up from his futon. "Did I wake you up? Sorry!"  
  
"No, I woke up on my own," I said. I did not make any movements to get up, and after a moment, Shindou laid back down on his futon. "You should try to get more rest before a big game."  
  
"Ogata-san's second wife divorced him a month ago," Shindou said after a few moments of silence. "Waya said that the reason that his wife divorced him was because Ogata-san made it quite clear to her that there was nothing more important to him than go, not even her."  
  
"He should not have married her then," I said.  
  
Shindou was quiet and he did not stir again. I thought he had gone back to sleep when he asked, "Is there anything more important to you than go, Touya?" His voice was so soft I barely heard him.   
  
"That was a good game of go," father had told me after our game. That was the day I met Shindou.   
  
"Touya?" Shindou got up from his bed and crawled toward me in the dawning light. "Are you still awake?"  
  
"I just can't help having high expectations of you." Father smiled.   
  
"Yes," I said.  
  
"Yes what?" Shindou crawled closer, and leaned on the go table between our futons.  
  
"Yes, there are things that are more important to me than go." I turned on my back and spoke to the ceiling.  
  
Shindou did not respond, and when I finally turned to him again, he was smiling. "Well, I might as well get up now. I'm making instant ramen for breakfast. Do you want some?" He stood up and started towards the kitchen.   
  
"Why did you ask me that question?" I sat up from the futon.  
  
Shindou had been retreating into the kitchen, but he stopped walking when he heard my question, and placed his hand on the doorframe to the kitchen.   
  
"I realized I had been thinking more about Ogata-san's go than yours lately." He kept his back to me.  
  
I waited.   
  
Shindou shook his head vigorously, turned back toward me, and smiled widely. "But then I realized that it doesn't matter. Ogata 10-dan is just a strong opponent. You are still my rival."  
  
I stared at him.   
  
"You ran out of instant ramen," I said. I rolled my blanket off of me, and got up from the futon. "So I bought other food. I was getting tired of your idea of a proper meal."  
  
Shindou swung around and glared at me. "What do you mean my idea of a proper meal? I'll have you know that ramen is very healthy!"  
  
"Not when you are only eating instant ramen, it's not." I ignored his gasping expression and brushed past him into the kitchen. "I will cook. You should start to get dressed."  
  
"You, you cook?" Shindou pointed an accusing finger at me. "Why haven't you offered to cook before?"  
  
"I haven't felt like it."  
  
Shindou made a loud whining sound before his heavy footsteps led him away into the bathroom.   
  
Then he peaked his head outside from the sliding door with a toothbrush in his mouth. "Wha awr oo cookig?"  
  
Staring at Shindou's kitchen, I suddenly became aware of the lack of kitchenware.  
  
I admitted defeat. "I'm cooking udon."  
  
"HA!"  
  
***  
  
"This is Akira," I said. My hand gripping the payphone was sweating.   
  
"Akira-san!" mother exclaimed. "I did not expect you to call!"  
  
"I'm sorry I have not called earlier." The sounds of people going into the competition hall was getting louder. I could hear Chinese and Korean being spoken around me. "I wanted to let you know that I'm staying with Shindou Hikaru right now."  
  
"Oh, Shindou-kun called and told me," mother said.  
  
My hand gripped the phone tighter. "I didn't know you knew him."  
  
"Of course I know him, Akira-san. I met him when your father had his first…" Mother's voice faltered, but when she continued, it was steady again. "I met him many years ago, and he's come by the house plenty of times… I'm glad… I'm glad you are staying with him."   
  
"Mother…"  
  
"I think I'm going to stay with your aunt a while longer… Is that all right?" she said.   
  
"Of course, mother."  
  
"Touya Akira!" a loud voice called out. I looked up and saw a large man with tinted sunglasses and unruly hair waving at me from a distance. He must be Kawai-san.   
  
"Oh, are you busy right now?" mother asked.   
  
"Can I call you back later?"  
  
"Of course, Akira-san. Please take care of yourself."  
  
"You too." I hung up the phone and took a deep breath before turning back to Kawai-san. He had covered the distance between us quickly and he was standing very close to me.   
  
"Good morning, Kawai-san," I greeted him. "Shindou could not come today, but if it is all right with you, we could play a tutorial game together after your competition match."  
  
"Shindou told me you were going to be here today. At last we meet Touya Akira. So you are Shindou's rival!" Kawai-san exclaimed.   
  
Shindou's rival… Everyone called Shindou my rival, but I had never heard anyone calling me Shindou's rival… until now.   
  
Kawai-san was smiling at me, and I realized that he was reflecting my smile. "We should probably go inside the hall," I said. "I will watch the competitions until you are done."   
  
"It'd be great to play you after my match!" He laughed, and I half expected him to ruffle my hair, but he made no such motion.  
  
~TBC 


	4. Chapter 4

Notes: Thanks to Sheree for betaing, all mistakes are my own.   
  
Go terms:  
  
Jigo: A drawn game.  
  
katetsugi: A open connection. An example is three stones surrounding an empty point. Promise for eye shape, but can be attacked.   
  
yose: End game.  
  
kakari: Attacking a single enemy corner stone.   
  
taisha: Resulting in a near-equal positions for white and black when a kakari is ignored.  
  
moku: Intersections on the go board.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Sente: A threat forcing direct response; it creates initiative.   
  
I did not leave the Amateur Competition until five o'clock. Kawai-san and I played two games together. Before he left he told me to tell Shindou that I was a worthy opponent to him.   
  
I smiled as I opened to the door to the apartment, but to my surprise Shindou had not returned home yet. The game with Ogata could not have lasted this long.   
  
At six-thirty, I picked up the phone, and dialed Amano's number.   
  
"Hello?" He picked up immediately.   
  
"Amano-san, this is Touya Akira. I'm sorry to bother you."  
  
"Not at all. What can I do for you, Touya-kun?"  
  
"I was wondering if you know where Shindou is. I know you went to his game with Ogata-san today…" I stopped talking.  
  
"Akira-kun, do you know where your father is?" mother asked. "He hasn't returned from his match yet."  
  
"Shindou-kun went to the Go Institute," Amano said. "I think he said something about looking over some kifu."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Oh, Touya-kun?" Amano hesitated. "Ogata-sensei asked me where Shindou-kun was too. He sounded… well, if you go to the Go Institute and see Ogata-san there, perhaps you should call him a cab."  
  
"Did he lose?"   
  
"No, Ogata-sensei won."  
  
"All right. Thank you, Amano-san." I hung up and put on my jacket. Ogata and Shindou were both at the Go Institute… Checking my watch I realized that I could still catch the rapid train. I ran.   
  
I was out of breath when I got on the train.   
  
It's been years since I ran to catch the train.  
  
By the time I arrived at the Go Institute it was nearly eight. The lamplights had already come on. Next to the entrance of the building, I saw Ogata. Leaning against the wall with his head tilted towards the sky, he blew out cigarette smoke slowly.   
  
"Ogata-san." I approached him.  
  
"Came here to see your rival eh?" Ogata's speech was slurred. I could smell the overwhelming odor of alcohol.   
  
"Would you like me to call you a cab, Ogata-san?"  
  
"Don't treat me like I'm an old man who can't take care of himself!" Ogata lunged forward, and grabbed my shoulders. The cigarette, still lit, remained between his fingers.   
  
"Ogata-san!" I tried to back away, but he held on tight, and the ash of the cigarette landed on me.   
  
"How long? How long before you overtake me?" Ogata shook me, then released me abruptly and collapsed back against the wall.   
  
"Ogata-san." I approached him again. He did not look well. But before I could get close enough, he held up his hand.   
  
"Don't. Don't fuss over me like a damn woman, Akira."  
  
I was wondering if it was safe for me to leave him by himself while I went to call a taxi when Ogata started laughing, harsh and bitter.   
  
"I cheated today," he said as he looked up at me.   
  
No, he couldn't have. Shindou would have noticed.   
  
"I was losing. I knew I was going to lose. He's a better player than me. I can feel it." Ogata pushed up his glasses and glared at me. "So you know what I did? No, of course not, because you would never cheat!"  
  
He paused and laughed again. "During lunch break I asked Shindou if the reason that he keeps on losing to you is because he likes you so much that he didn't want you to feel bad."  
  
The air around me froze.   
  
"If he goes after any of my titles, I have no way of winning." Ogata's voice suddenly dropped to a whisper. "If you came after my titles, I'd at least have a fighting chance."  
  
My breathing was becoming increasingly audible, and it echoed in my ears.  
  
"So this is what I'm reduced to?!" Ogata screamed toward the sky. "Playing little mind games with brats?! I'm not Kuwabara! I'm not, damn it! I will not become him!"  
  
I stared at him, and tried to breathe.   
  
Somewhere near me I heard a car door open and shut.   
  
"Are you Ogata-san?" a taxi driver asked as he walked over to us.   
  
Ogata looked at him, and then turned back to me with venom in his eyes.   
  
"Amano-san asked me to pick you up." The driver looked from me to Ogata.   
  
The driver opened his mouth again to speak when neither of us replied, but Ogata cut him off with the wave of his hand.   
  
"See you in two weeks, Touya Akira." Ogata pushed himself up from the wall and walked to the taxi cab without looking back. He tossed the butt of his cigarette towards me, and it landed in front of my feet.   
  
The taxi driver stared in confusion for a second longer before running back to his car.   
  
I heard the taxi drive off, but I stood where I was listening to the sound of my own breathing. The flash of taillights lingered on me for a moment before moving on.  
  
In the last game we played, Shindou formed a katetsugi during yose. It left his right side vulnerable to attack. I won by one moku. The game before that, Shindou allowed the taisha when he ignored my kakari and attacked the 4-5 point instead. He won by a half moku.  
  
A trickle of sweat slowly dripped down from my temple, leaving a trail along my face. I did not wipe it away, and I felt the salty sting.   
  
"Touya!" Shindou's voice. Shindou!  
  
"What are you doing here, Touya?" he asked and I heard his footsteps as he came closer.   
  
"You've passed me, haven't you?" I did not look at Shindou.   
  
"What are you talking about, Touya?" Shindou sounded strained. When he spoke again his voice was softer. "Touya. Touya, I… What happened to your jacket?"  
  
Jacket?  
  
"There's a burn mark on it!" Shindou pointed to my left shoulder, and my eyes followed his finger. A burn mark… Ogata's cigarette.   
  
"Ogata-san was here."  
  
"He put a cigarette out on you?!" Shindou clenched his fist.  
  
"No, he… he was very drunk."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Was he right, Shindou? Was what he said right? Are you too nice?"  
  
"No! I'm not Isumi!" Shindou grabbed my shoulders. Still sore from Ogata's hands, I flinched, and Shindou immediately released me. He looked down at his own hands.   
  
He was trembling.  
  
"Shindou…"  
  
"I'm not… I don't… I'm not like that. I…" His fists were clenched so tightly I could see the whiteness of his knuckles.   
  
"What did you find in the kifu? Did you find the answer you were looking for?"  
  
"I didn't find it… not the answer I was looking for," Shindou whispered. Then he looked toward me again, his voice pleading. "Touya, I'm tired. Let's go home, okay?"  
  
The lamplight flickered above us. Once… twice… three times.   
  
I nodded.  
  
We were both silent on the way back. When we arrived at the apartment, Waya was sitting outside the door with his eyes closed.  
  
"You need to get a cell phone!" Waya said with his eyes still closed. "Where have you been? Your game with Ogata ended hours ago." When he finally opened his eyes and saw me, his eyes widened. "Touya Akira? What are you doing here?"  
  
"Um… he's staying with me." Shindou quickly unlocked the door. "What are you doing here, Waya?"  
  
Waya's eyes were still jumping between Shindou and me; his mouth dropped open, but he quickly closed it.   
  
"You didn't tell me… I thought you said… I mean… I…" Waya brought his hand over his chin. I have seen him doing that only during matches when he was about to make a move.  
  
"I'M NOT YOU! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!" Shindou covered his mouth with his hand immediately after his strange outburst.   
  
"Shindou--" Waya started to talk, but Shindou was already apologizing.   
  
"That's not what I meant, Waya. I mean I have no problems with that. I'm just not… I wasn't… I'm sorry! I lost to Ogata 10-dan today. I'm having a really bad day. I'm sorry Waya." Shindou's words came so quickly they ran into each other.  
  
"It's okay, Shindou," Waya looked away. "I knew you didn't mean it like that."  
  
"Waya--"  
  
Waya started to walk away. "I will see you later."  
  
"Waya, wait," Shindou clasped Waya's arm.   
  
Waya turned back and smiled. "No, really Shindou, I'm not mad. I'm used to you sticking your foot in your mouth now. I will see you tomorrow."  
  
Shindou smiled back weakly and released Waya. "Okay. See you tomorrow."  
  
Waya brushed past me. "See you, Touya."  
  
"Ah."  
  
When Waya left, Shindou and I still had not spoken a word to each other.   
  
"There is leftover udon from this morning," I said as I took off my shoes and my jacket.   
  
"Um," Shindou nodded, and opened the refrigerator.   
  
"I'm going to sleep."  
  
"Okay." Shindou stared intently at the contents of the refrigerator as I walked past him.   
  
Laying down on my futon, I could hear the sound of Shindou reheating the food, then eating it in the kitchen. A few minutes later, the faucet in the kitchen turned on. But it did not turn off again, and I fell asleep to the sound of the flowing water.   
  
  
  
~TBC 


	5. Chapter 5

Notes: Thanks to Sheree for betaing several versions of this story ^__^. And to Kuonji, whose vigorous defense of characterization keeps me on my toes.   
  
Terms:   
  
fuseki: The opening moves of the game where influence and territory outlines are formed.   
  
seiza: the position where you sit on your knees. (The usual go sitting position, as well as the usual sitting position for tea ceremonies.)  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Yose: End game.   
  
I was staring at the ceiling in the dim morning light when I heard Shindou getting up. I closed my eyes, and counted the seconds. The door clicked shut ten minutes later. It was 6:00 am.   
  
When I came back that night the light was off. From the doorway I could see Shindou lying on his futon. As quietly as I could, I walked to the go board and sat down. In the darkness, I could almost see father's form sitting on the other side staring intently at the board.  
  
I didn't know how long I had sat there, but at some point I realized that the room was too quiet. Shindou never slept without making a mad rush of shuffles of the blankets with every toss and turn. But now Shindou was lying perfectly still.  
  
Breathing in deeply, I left the go table between us, and went to my own futon. I only managed to shrug off my jacket and take off my tie before I allowed myself to collapse on the futon still half dressed.   
  
The next day, I left for my go convention before Shindou got up. When I came home at night, he still had not returned. Rummaging the kitchen, I found ten more packs of instant ramen. Shindou must have restocked.   
  
I tore open a package of instant ramen, and ate dinner alone. It was already ten when I realized that there was a message on the phone. Shindou had called before I came back to let me know that he was staying over at Morishita-sensei's.  
  
I turned off the light, and sat down at the go table again before going to sleep.   
  
I had begun to wonder how long we were going to continue to avoid each other when I saw him at the Go Institute the next day after my study session. He was watching an informal match between Isumi 6-dan and Waya 7-dan. He did not see me coming in to the hall; all of his attention was focused on the go board. I could not see the go board from where I was, but I saw Shindou's mouth drop open slightly.  
  
I glanced at Isumi's face. Isumi's expression was tight in concentration, but whatever Shindou saw, Isumi did not.   
  
"I resign," Waya said.  
  
"Thank you for the game." Isumi bowed his head.   
  
"Thank you for the game."  
  
Shindou's eyes had not left the board.   
  
"Shindou, you idiot, you're not going to find your damn answers staring at our board!" Waya said.   
  
Shindou looked up at the sound of his name and saw me. "Touya." He stood up.   
  
Waya swung around and glared at me before he got on his feet and stepped between Shindou and me, blocking us from each other's view. I couldn't see Waya's or Shindou's face, but Isumi was watching them. I saw Isumi pale.  
  
"You, come with me." Waya said to Shindou finally. He grabbed Shindou by the collar, and started to drag him out of the room.   
  
"Yoshitaka!" Isumi shot up. "What are you doing?"  
  
"I'll tell you later." Waya did not stop moving; he had already stalked out of the room by the time he finished talking.  
  
"Yoshitaka!" Isumi called out again, but Waya and Shindou were out of sight.   
  
Isumi turned to me. He smiled, but I saw the effort behind it. "Good afternoon, Touya-san."  
  
"Good afternoon, Isumi-san. Could I look at your game before you put it away?" I asked.   
  
Isumi looked at me quickly. "Of course."   
  
"Thank you." We sat down together.   
  
Judging by the playing style, Isumi must have been white.   
  
He would have won by one moku.   
  
Black had made a strong offense in the left corner, but white held it off, and cut off the black in the middle… It was a good game, but there was nothing especially remarkable about it. Both Isumi and Waya had played at their level.   
  
"Do you know why Shindou was watching your game?" I did not look up at Isumi's expression.   
  
A still moment passed. "I'm not sure," said Isumi.   
  
"Waya and Shindou had a fight the other day outside of Shindou's apartment." As when I played him, I kept my eyes on the board. "Waya came over and saw that I was staying with Shindou. Waya started to say something and Shindou yelled 'I'm not like you' to Waya. Do you know what Shindou meant?"   
  
A sharp intake of breath.   
  
"Shindou said that?" Isumi whispered.   
  
"What did he mean?"  
  
Isumi took another breath, slow and drawn out. "I don't know."  
  
In the silence that followed, I finally looked up at him, but Isumi was avoiding my eyes, and his hands were fisted together. Slowly, he said, "You will have to ask Shindou himself."   
  
As though Shindou had heard the question, his voice resonated from the next room. "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!"  
  
"KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN YOU IDIOT!"  
  
"Would you like to play a game?" Isumi started to clear the board.   
  
I nodded, and collected the black stones.   
  
We were just beginning to enter yose when Shindou marched back into the room with Waya following him close behind.   
  
"I resign," Isumi said as soon as they came to our table.  
  
Isumi was losing by three moku, but he could have still turned the game around.   
  
"You really are too nice, Isumi-san," I said. Isumi did not meet my eyes.   
  
"Thank you for the game," Isumi said.   
  
"Thank you for the game."  
  
"Do you want to play against me, Touya? Let's play a game," Shindou said.  
  
I got up and nodded. He immediately turned around, walked past several unoccupied go tables, and left the match hall. I said quick goodbyes to Waya and Isumi, and followed him out.  
  
Behind me I heard Waya's voice. "I guess they are going to have this showdown in private."  
  
I fell a few steps behind him Shindou.   
  
He kept his eyes straight forward.  
  
He purchased my ticket for me at the train station, and shoved it at me before we passed the station's gates. A 230 yen ticket… we were not going to the Go Salon; we were going to play at his apartment.   
  
When we arrived there, Shindou kicked off his shoes so fast he tripped. Instinctively, I reached out and caught him.   
  
"Thanks." He struggled free from my hold, and crawled away to the go table.   
  
While taking off my shoes, I asked, "Are you going to play to the best of your abilities, Shindou?"  
  
Shindou stared past me, and said, "I always try to do that."   
  
I walked over and sat across from him.   
  
"I will be black," he said.  
  
"All right."  
  
Shindou placed down the stone before I had the chance to lift the lid to my stones. As soon as I laid down my stone, he had placed the next one. But the speed did not continue past fuseki.   
  
I had realized that I was going to lose by two moku when I noticed that I could no longer distinguish the stones' colors. We were playing in almost complete darkness. Shindou didn't seem to have noticed either. He didn't even look up from the board when I got up to turn on the light. He flinched in surprise when the fluorescent bulb flickered on, then went back to looking at the board straightaway.   
  
I resigned when I came back to the table.  
  
"Do you want to play again?" Shindou asked immediately.   
  
"Mn." I nodded without looking at him. We cleared up the board and started again.   
  
I was trying to decipher Shindou's attack on my left corner, when I heard him get up and use the bathroom. I glanced at the clock by my futon. It read 3:23 in large red block numbers.   
  
I lost by six moku in the second game.   
  
"Do you want to play again?" Shindou asked.   
  
"Yes." My mouth was very dry.   
  
We were halfway through the third game when I realized that he was successfully forcing a draw.   
  
"Is this to show how much better you've become?" I asked. When I started to collect my stones, I saw that my hands were shaking.   
  
"Do you want to play again?" He did not look at me.   
  
"No, I have my answer," I said.  
  
In the silence that fell between us, sunlight filtered slowly into the room.   
  
"I'm going for a walk." I started to rise, but my legs were so numb it took me two attempts to get up. I can't recall ever becoming numb while sitting in seiza.  
  
When I was finally on my feet, I stumbled toward the door.   
  
Putting on my shoes, I looked back at Shindou. He was still sitting in front of the go table, his eyes transfixed on the board.   
  
I opened the door and left without saying goodbye.   
  
~TBC  
  
Endnotes:  
  
This story is finished. The last chapter is even already betaed. I just need to do some last bits of polishing before I post it. Thank you everyone for your kind reviews! 


	6. Chapter 6

Notes: Sheree, of course, betaed, and she is wonderful.  
  
Terms:  
  
Pocari Sweat: a sports drink. (It has amino acids!)  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Jigo: A drawn game.  
  
I walked against the morning rush. Men in suits and children in uniforms rushed past me in dark blurs. I wondered if I stood out against their pristine outfits. My suit was crumpled, and it stuck tightly on my body, chafing my skin. I should change soon.   
  
*"At last we meet Touya Akira. So you are Shindou's rival!"*  
  
An older woman opening her bento shop for business smiled at me as I walked past her. I didn't know if I smiled back or not. The fresh smell of food permeated the air around her shop. My stomach churned, but I did not want to eat.   
  
*"I asked Shindou if the reason that he keeps on losing to you is because he likes you so much that he didn't want you to feel bad."*  
  
The sun shone mercilessly, and I was sweating so much that I could barely breathe. But I kept on walking, and my surroundings started to look more and more familiar as the pedestrian traffic thinned out. I was walking home.   
  
*"He said that someday, my rival, my only true rival will be you."*  
  
It was almost a surprise when I reached my house. I had never been away for so long before. I fumbled about in my pocket searching for my key, but when I finally retrieved it, it took me a few tries before I could get the key inside the slot. The gates opened with a loud metallic moan.  
  
*"If he goes after any of my titles, I have no way of winning. If you came after my titles, I'd at least have a fighting chance."*  
  
I should pick up a new suit, I thought to myself. The one I was wearing had a cigarette burn on it. Bracing myself against the hallway as I walked, I went to the closet where mother kept our formal wear, and slid it open.   
  
Father's traditional robe was there. For a moment, I wondered wildly why father didn't take it with him to China on this trip.   
  
I heard a small choking sound.   
  
I supposed I must have made it.   
  
Slowly, I pulled out father's robe. The fabric was so worn it felt unbearably soft against my hands.  
  
It did not smell like father. It reeked of mothballs. Father had worn it so often it never smelled of mothballs before.   
  
In my mind, I saw myself casting it aside. This wasn't father's robe. It couldn't be. But instead I found myself clutching on to the soft fabric as I slid to the ground, my back against the wall.   
  
*"Your father had to walk the path to the Hand of God alone." *  
  
"Do you want to play a game, father?" I asked. The still air did not answer me.   
  
*"Father, I lost a game today," I had said.   
  
"Oh? To whom?" Father looked up from his reading.   
  
"To another boy who is also in the sixth grade. I…"  
  
"Really?" Father frowned, and put away the newspaper he was holding. "Would you like to go over the game?"  
  
"Could you play a game with me, father? I think it'll help me think."  
  
"Of course, Akira-kun." Father waited until I placed three stones on the board.*   
  
"Shindou beat me again today, father." I felt a tear sliding down my cheek, landing silently on father's robes. "Could I play a game with you, father? It would help me think."  
  
I rubbed the wet spot I left on father's collar, and tilted my head back against the wall.   
  
***  
  
I woke to the sound of approaching footsteps. When I opened my eyes, Shindou was standing barely a meter away from me.   
  
"Shindou," I started to stand up, but I felt myself falling back down again as waves of dizziness crashed against me.   
  
"Touya!" Shindou's arms came around me, and he lowered me slowly to the ground again.   
  
"I'm fine." I closed my eyes and willed the dizziness to dissipate.   
  
"When was the last time you ate or drank anything?" Shindou was still holding on to me though I didn't need his help to sit straight.   
  
"I…" I couldn't remember.   
  
"Geez, you haven't eaten or drank anything since yesterday afternoon, have you?" Abruptly he released me. I opened my eyes and saw that he was fumbling through his backpack.   
  
"Here." Shindou handed me a half empty bottle of Pocari Sweat.  
  
Suddenly thirsty, I took the bottle and drank most of it in one gulp.   
  
"How did you get in?" I asked. Shindou was still wearing his socks, and they were dry.   
  
"You left your gates wide open," Shindou said. He was sitting down by my side, leaning against the wall.   
  
We both stared forward, not looking at each other.   
  
"You're lucky I came along. Otherwise your house probably would have been burglarized while you were passed out from low blood sugar," Shindou said after a moment.   
  
"I don't consider you 'lucky', Shindou, in any sense of the word," I said.   
  
"I just caught you as you were falling over!" Shindou said loudly.   
  
"I wouldn't have tried to get up in the first place if you hadn't been here."  
  
"You would have had to get up at some point!"  
  
"Obviously!"  
  
"You could at least thank me for closing your damn gates!"   
  
"Thank you for closing my damn gates!"  
  
"Why do you always have to be so stubborn?"   
  
I opened my mouth to yell something back, but nothing came out.   
  
Shindou sighed. "Why does everything always have to be a fight between us?" he asked.   
  
"I don't know," I said. Outside, the sun was already setting. Dusk light sifted through the window.   
  
"I'm not really that far ahead of you, you know," Shindou said as the shadows lengthened on the walls. "You were just convinced I was and you played really badly."  
  
I squeezed the fabric in my hands and did not reply.   
  
"Damn it, Touya, I know what I'm talking about! I have been staring at so many kifu of our games my eyes were falling out!" Shindou turned and looked at me.   
  
"Have you passed me?" I asked quietly.   
  
"Even if I have it's not like I'm going to leave you behind!" Shindou reached out and grabbed me by the shoulders. "What's the point of having me as a rival if I'm not a real challenge to you?"  
  
I stilled at the question. Shindou's eyes were locked on to mine, and I could see my reflection in them. My rival.   
  
"Why have you been losing to me?"  
  
"Because I'm stupid!" Shindou said vehemently, and jerked away from me.   
  
"Shindou."  
  
"I wasn't trying to, you know," Shindou was staring intently at the wall across from us.  
  
"I know." I said it automatically, but I did know. "You've never lost to anyone on purpose."  
  
Shindou met my eyes. "Yeah." He looked very young. His bangs were falling wildly over his eyes.  
  
"So did you figure it out?" I asked, my words falling out quickly, running into each other. "Did Waya help you figure out why you were losing to me?"  
  
Shindou looked away again. "It doesn't really matter, does it? I mean I'm not anymore. It's not going to affect my go from now on." Shindou's hands formed tight fists.  
  
"It matters to you." I spoke at the wall in front of us.  
  
"I'll figure things out," Shindou said. Then he added, "Eventually."  
  
"Ah." I said, and it felt like retreat.   
  
We both continued to stare at the wall.   
  
"I wish I could talk to Sai." Shindou's voice was so soft that I wasn't sure I heard his words until a few seconds after he had said them.   
  
"Sai?"   
  
Shindou shook his head frantically. "I… I… I mean I already told you Sai was my teacher, and let's just leave it at that, okay?"  
  
I nodded. Sai.  
  
"I wish I could talk to my father, too," I said.   
  
Shindou's eyes widened, noticing what I was holding for the first time.  
  
"I think my father would have loved to have played Sai again." I smoothed out the collar of father's robe. I was almost certain that father was thinking of Sai all those nights he sat alone in front of the go table.  
  
"Yeah, I think Sai would have loved to have played your father again too." Shindou smiled.  
  
Darkness was slowly seeping into the room.   
  
"Do you want to play a game?" I pulled myself up along the wall.  
  
"Rematch?" Shindou stood up too.  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"You, eat first." Shindou came closer, one of his hands reached out and braced the wall next to my head, blocking me in. "We have plenty of time to play."  
  
He leaned in toward me, and he was so close that I could feel his heated breath on my face, but the room was getting too dark for me to clearly see his face. He smelled like ramen and sweat and sugar.   
  
"'Cause you know, you are my rival and all. No way I'm letting you get off without playing me. I have lost hundreds of games against you, and you've got a lot of catching up to do. You and me… we are going to play hundreds of thousands of games," he said. His voice was so quiet that I could barely hear the words over our breathing.   
  
A moment passed. Then another.   
  
"We won't live long enough to play hundreds of thousands of games," I said.   
  
"I have it on good authority that ghosts play go," Shindou said and I could hear the smile in his voice.  
  
"Plan to haunt the Go Institute, do you?" I asked.   
  
He laughed. Then he backed away from me. "You never know. I might haunt your go board."  
  
He picked up his backpack from the ground, and asked, "So, wanna go to China Soba?"  
  
"Didn't you just come from there? I can smell it on you." I stood up straighter.  
  
"Yeah, well," Shindou put his hands behind his head. "We could go home, and order from the new Pizza-La."  
  
"Okay," I said. "Let's go home."  
  
Carefully, I put father's robes back into the closet, and retrieved my own kimono along with my other suit.  
  
Shindou helped me carry my suit. He watched me closely when I locked the gate on the empty house. As we walked away, I did not look back.   
  
***  
  
When we got to Shindou's apartment, we heard a voice on the answering machine before we even opened the door.   
  
It was Yashiro's voice.  
  
"… SHINDOU! Where are you?! You were supposed to meet me for LUNCH! LUNCH!"  
  
Shindou quickly unlocked the door. Kicking off his shoes as fast as he could, he raced to the phone and picked it up.   
  
"Yashiro?" Shindou said tentatively, then he immediately cringed and pulled the receiver away from his ear.   
  
I took off my shoes, turned on the light, and then I walked over to Shindou and relieved him of my suit. He was still holding the receiver an arm length away from his head.   
  
I was walking over to Shindou's closet when I noticed that the go table had been moved. The go table now sat in front of the window, leaving the space between our futons empty.  
  
For a moment I was still with the unexpectedness of it.   
  
Shindou was suddenly behind me with his hand on my shoulder. I hadn't even heard him finish talking to Yashiro.   
  
"Come on, let's put away your stuff, and order pizza," Shindou said. "Tonight I eat my last meal. Tomorrow, Yashiro is coming over to kill me."  
  
"You moved the table," I said stupidly.   
  
"Hn," he said. "Do you mind?" he asked more softly.   
  
"No." I shook my head.   
  
Shindou smiled.   
  
***  
  
The day I became a 9-dan, my father died. His last words were for me.   
  
"Go is not my life, Akira-kun," father said.   
  
"It's not?" I asked as I began to count the moku on the board. I was still getting used to playing father at three stones.   
  
"No," father waited until I was done.  
  
"Jigo," I announced after I finished counting both of our moku, knowing that father already knew.   
  
"Sometimes, you have to know how to force a draw," father said.   
  
***   
  
~Owari 


End file.
